When was the last time you heard that response when asking someone how they were doing? “I’m so not busy, my mind is clear, and I’m ready and willing to listen and be fully present with you right now,” might be the full-length mythical answer to that question.

I’m not sure when I first began noticing how often people respond to the question “how are you?” with some version of “I’m so busy.” Heaven knows, I’ve been guilty of it plenty myself. Perhaps it was getting tired of hearing myself say it, or of being on the receiving end of someone else’s busy-ness that I started to notice how lame we all sounded.

There are so many other authentic ways a person could respond to “how are you” that gives the listener actual information, a sense of how the person is really doing; a response that furthers the dialogue into deeper, possibly more meaningful territory, about what is truly going on in that person’s life.

So I began to wonder why any of us would let the first thing out of our mouth be “I’m so busy”. Are we looking for pity? Sympathy? Trying to impress the listener with the many demands on our time? Being on the receiving end of the line, I’ve often felt a (presumedly unintentional) one-upmanship as the other person illustrates how pressing and significant their schedule is.

As I’ve worked to purge the line from my lexicon (please don’t tackle me if it still occasionally slips out), I’ve become keenly aware when I hear it. Viewed with some objectivity, it sounds like one of a few things are going on…

• The person can’t get their act together

• They’re so impressed with how much everyone wants them that they need to broadcast it

• They’re dense as dough because uh, who isn’t busy?

• Or maybe the saddest of all, they have no other adjectives to describe themselves, so accustomed they’ve become to the “identity of busy”.

Here’s what I tell myself whenever I’m tempted to tell someone how busy I am. Everyone is busy. Whether we live urban, suburban or rural lifestyles, our prairie days are over. Life is slow only for the deliberate few. Modern life is busy and our task is to manage that. Responding “I’m so busy” is like saying “I breathe oxygen”. There is neither new nor interesting information here.

If things are rough for you and you’d like the support of your listener, please share that. It’s authentic and real and they asked you. And if things are great, say how and why they’re great. When I used to ask my dad how he was doing, he always responded, “Doin’ great, never been better.” I didn’t always believe him, and he probably responded that way so I wouldn’t worry about him. But I also think he actually saw his life that way, despite the myriad challenges he faced. I loved how it made me feel to hear him say that and I believe him responding in that way helped him focus on the many things that were good in his life. I’ve been guilty of downplaying things that were going well for me for fear that it might make the other person feel bad. Until I realized that not all misery loves company. If I’m miserable and I hear that someone is doing terrific, it gives me hope that I’ll feel terrific again at some point.

“Busy” is not a neutral middle ground descriptor between “I’m doing super” and “things aren’t going so well.” It’s boring, overused, and trite. Below are some possible responses for the next time your conversation partner tells you how busy they are…

“Really? Tell me what it’s like to be busy.”

“Oh wow, I’d love to hear the full, unedited list of all that you’re doing.”

“I’d love to be busy like you some day.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. You have a hard time getting it together, don’t you.”

“OMG, I’m so happy for you!”

[blank stare]

“Is there someone I can call for you?”

Snark aside, saying one is busy can also be a plea for help. Feeling like life is out of control and that there’s no end to the distractions, demands and diversions, can be overwhelming. That’s when I challenge myself to understand what my role was in things getting too busy. Saying yes when I meant no? Unrealistic expectations of how long something takes? Delusions of grandeur?

Modern life will absolutely suck us in as much as we let it. That’s when it can be helpful to use the agency we do have to move things off the calendar, re-prioritize, and enlist support.  At least then, when asked how we’re doing, we can share actual information that might be of interest to our listener and who knows, maybe even swap tricks for creating a little more of that rare, unbusy space.