The Poison Darts of Envy
Becoming the woman you want to be in the world is an ongoing process that takes time, and work, and self-reflection, and sweat. And the process is daily, if not hourly, to keep that woman in view - to cherish her, encourage her, and pull her up when she slips into doubt and fear. Sometimes it can feel precarious. Other times, that light is burning so brightly, even the cat needs shades.
Then along comes someone who decides your light is shining just a little too brightly; someone who isn’t comfortable that you got the attention, the accolade, the promotion, the award; someone whose own value in the world is determined not by themselves, but by what they see others as having that they don’t. And that little (or gigantic!) sparkle of yours is just a bit too annoying for them, and out come the poison darts of envy.
Unmitigated jealousy wreaks havoc. I can think back to the girl in high school who so coveted popularity that she passive-aggressively tore me down to boost herself up for attention. My options were to fight back (but how?) or hide…to make myself smaller and less noticeable so that she’d leave me alone. The latter seemed easier. Or in the case of a girlfriend, there was a female executive who saw her as a little too smart, well-dressed, and threatening, and blocked the upward path on the corporate ladder. Or maybe there’s a cousin or in-law who has decided there’s an unwritten family competition for the love and adoration of all other family members, and they are going to win this imaginary contest.
If your command of bad-assery is such that you can shrug off the poison darts of envy and own your place on this planet, amen sister (or bro!) But if you’re a sensitive type, you might choose to absorb those arrows and hide, dress down, and downplay yourself so as not to intimidate “them” or to keep the peace.
But does this kowtowing to the arrows of envy serve the target, the archer, or anyone else? Diminishing your you-ness only serves to validate their viewpoint. And it renders you helpless to their moods and whims. And here’s a newsflash…Showing up in the world as you is not a crime.
Showing up in the world as you is not a crime.
Those who recognize your goodness and gifts are your pathmates. Let them support you. If you need to create distance from the archers, then do so. But do not dim that light just because it’s too bright for someone else. There are far too many places of darkness in the world that need your bulb at full volume. Marianne Williamson famously asked, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Who are you not to be? There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” I can only imagine how often she has to refer back to this these days while navigating the barbs of the presidential campaign trail.
Without doubt, it hurts like a mofo to find yourself in someone else’s radius of self-loathing. And from my experience, it seems the only viable option is to acknowledge the innocence and goodness of your own light then and there. And then if possible, turn toward the archer directly or indirectly, and acknowledge their uniquely bright and beautiful light. It is there simply by the fact that they’re alive. And maybe, even for a moment, they will recognize in the mirror you’re holding up, their own forgotten brilliance. Because perhaps ultimately, that’s all they were seeking in the first place.
